Top 10 Ways to Destroy Your Family Roofing Company

In this satirical article, learn how not only to alienate top-performing talent, but also the best ways to ruin family dynamics in a roofing company

Please note that this is a “tongue-in-cheek” satire article on a way to destroy your family business and retire broke.

These 10 points were adapted from a small business classic, “Every Family’s Business”, by Tom Deans.

Tip #1

Assume your children have inherited your roofing DNA and will naturally follow you into the business. Get them into the office early in life and let them know that “one day all this will be yours.”

Tip #2

Remember to always give the most important jobs to your eldest child (but only a male) and pay him vastly more than your other children – this is how great family dynasties are built. It may seem unfair, but it’ll toughen some of them up and really set the stage for great Thanksgiving dinners, family dynamics and peer rivals for years to come.

Tip #3

Talk about your family business history often with your children. Remind them that “we have always been a family roofing company and your dream should be to work in our business.” This will instill great pride and confidence that life is about family tradition and not about pursuing their own dreams and definitely not about reaching their full potential.

Talk about how Henry Ford should have followed in his father’s footsteps as a farmer and Steve Jobs in his father’s footsteps as a restaurateur.

Tip #4

Remind your children that the only reason you work 12-hour days and weekends is so they will have a guaranteed job waiting for them when they graduate from school.

Definitely do not let them work outside the family roofing company, because that will only build their self-confidence and fill their heads with crazy ideas that would not work in their roofing company.

Tip #5

Many children who have watched their parents struggle in the day-to-day grind and economic cycles may have expressed a desire to pursue different careers. This is the way mothers can play an important role in dissuading them from that path by encouraging their husbands to hire their children (especially sons) and over-pay them for jobs they do poorly.

This way, you can keep your children close and, most importantly, your grandchildren even closer. When this plan is in place, sit back and watch that special bond between a mother and daughter-in-law blossom – it’s so special, especially when a son and his wife have no options because they could never replace their current salary (for mediocre performance) elsewhere, especially when their only work experience is in their roofing company.

Tip #6

Always remind your non-family employees that there are two sets of policies and procedures – one for family and one for everyone else. This way, when your children show up for work at 10 a.m. and leave at 2 p.m. to play golf, everyone will know they are accountable and following the rules and earning their bonuses.

This company culture is a fantastic technique for attracting talented non-family employees and retaining them for up to six months. Besides, the idea that experienced, long-serving employees are valuable to growing a business is highly overrated.

Tip #7

If you happen to be fortunate enough to have one of those children who works harder than you – I mean really works long and hard – make sure you never discuss selling the business to him (and never sell to a daughter, especially if she has an MBA). It’s always much better to leave your son – and your entire family – assuming that he will inherit the business. Hint about this plan, but never really commit.

Think of the excitement when your other children learn only when you and your spouse have died (likely when you’re both in your 90s) that in the spirit of fairness, you have left an equal number of shares to all the children. There is nothing like brothers and sisters becoming business partners late in life and working shoulder-to-shoulder, especially when one is married to an attorney.

Remember to keep your real business succession plan a secret – surprises are what make families strong.

Tip #8

Always remember that the government has your best interest in mind.  

Therefore, it is only appropriate that you should pay taxes all of your adult life and when you’ve finally reached the point of selling your business, well, they deserve in excess of 50% because they will take care of you and spend it wisely.  

You won’t be needing those dollars in retirement, which may last 30 years or more.

Tip #9

It is important to concentrate all your wealth in your business, especially as you near retirement. When you make money, reinvest it in your business year after year and tell your children that this is the full extent of your retirement plan.

Don’t plan to cash out, or retire financially independent of the business or get clobbered by taxes.

Instead, just tell them that when you die, Mom will inherit the business and that she will need all of their help running it to support her lifestyle. Eventually, when the business fails, everyone will gather ‘round and reminisce about what a magnificent businessman you were – because you were the only person who could run it profitably.

This is okay because remember: you are dead and no longer require money.

Tip #10

Definitely do not write a will or plan for your exit. Some of the best family moments come when everyone testifies in court and offers his or her own version of what you really wanted.

Why deny them the sheer joy of learning who you really were as they riffle through your personal papers and slug it out mano-a-mano in open court? Besides, this makes for great front-page reading in your local paper.

And don’t worry about the business and estate taxes the company and the family will have to pay. Just liquidate the company at 10% liquidation value and everything will take care of itself.

And, if you insist on a will, definitely do not get professional help writing it – those $9 do-it-yourself will kits are awesome and take only 10 minutes to complete.